The New Life – Days in Barcelona II

This is now my third week in Barcelona. Time is going with the wind. Everything still feels right and in place. I am getting up in the morning without worrying about the weather. Without the feeling of missing out on something by staying at home. It is a relief. I am taking each day as it comes and I am just being. Nice things are happening.

Since I announced that I moved here, I have received many messages from my friends across the globe. Many cheered up for me who knew how much I have been longing for the south. Some were surprised and some opened their heart to me. They said I have done what they have been dreaming of doing but not daring. They wanted to know how I did it. How did you do? How is it possible?

Why not? We have only one life, which we don’t know if we have it tomorrow. We spend it either by missing our ‘happy’ past or making plans for our ‘happy’ future often in an environment that we force ourselves to fit in. How about being happy now? That we postpone because we are too busy with worrying or planning. How did I do? I stopped doing that. Instead, I bought a flight ticket.

Yesterday I met a friend. I had not seen him for fourteen years. We had studied together back in the USA. We were both exchange students. He just happened to be around here with his family and we met. What a magic moment. As if no fourteen years had passed. As if we had seen each other only yesterday. His beautiful kids showed me their souvenir toys shyly. Happiness of being here and now and it is priceless.

In the evening I went out for dinner with another friend. A touristy place but we didn’t mind. In a little while a street musician walked in and he went directly towards a big a table to entertain them. I started listening to him as it was impossible not to. I thought I heard him singing in Turkish. But that must be an illusion. Did I miss home already? No. He was really singing in Turkish. He was singing the old tavern songs that I remember from my childhood. My family and their friends used to go out to those taverns to eat fish and drink raki, later the music would start and everyone would dance. He was singing those songs.  The big table was all Turkish. They started to dance and sing along loudly. I sang with them and clapped my hands. Just like back at home, back in my childhood. Then we all started to cheer up together. The musician was not Turkish. And he understood no single word. He just knew and sang the old Turkish tavern songs so perfectly. So perfectly that he filled us and himself all with joy.

I have been seeking these moments. I have been longing for them so strongly that nothing else mattered. That is how I did it. Happiness of being here and now and it is priceless.

If you want to be happy, be. Leo Tolstoy

The New Life – Before Barcelona

What happened that I came to Barcelona? As exciting as it sounds, I really didn’t decide it overnight. It has been a long process of thinking, checking with myself and calculating whether and what is doable.

My life in Munich was what many would consider perfect. I had a well-paid job, a nice apartment in a popular part of the city, a safe environment, friends, plenty of social activities to choose from plus the freedom and the health to be able to do everything. So why change?  This was the question that my rational mind was asking me all the time and convincing me that I should follow him. My emotional core however was a rebel and she was totally unhappy. In the end I could not ignore her any more. I gave in and listened  to what she had to tell me. Well, she was not an easy case.

So, she started telling me all the things she really needs but doesn’t find in Munich. Ok, well what are those things that you want I asked her. She counted one by one:

Warmth. Warmth in all senses. She wants more sunshine and the summer. She said you remember when you were a child, you never worried about the summer because it would arrive. You would have sunshine everyday. You didn’t have to wait for a few days of sun and plan way ahead what you would be doing then. You weren’t sad if the things didn’t go as planned, because next day was another sunny day. You didn’t worry about your clothes, you were just out enjoying the warmth on your skin, day and night. You were free. Then she continued she needs warm people.

Smiles. How do you mean warm people? She said when she goes out to the streets people are hardly recognizing each other. They are so worried to hurry somewhere, get things done, buy something, whatever. They don’t see each other. But you know, at some other places when people see you on the street they smile at you. Just so. Because you are at the same place at the same time. When you are waiting in the line, someone behind you or in front of you start chatting with you and smile. Just so. When someone hears your name he asks what it means and smiles when you tell. At other places people kiss you on the cheek to say hello and goodbye and they smile. She wants that.

Sea. She misses the sea. As simple as that. The sea would comfort her, would give her peace and happiness. She said, when you were a child, your grandma would take you everyday to the seafront, because you loved to throw stones in it. The bigger the stones, the more fun. The seafront was only a hop away from where you lived anyway. The smell and the sound of the sea would wrap you all around, and you would forget about everything else. Later everyday you took the boat in Istanbul from one side to the other. Everyday you smelled it, were out on it. I need that, it is a part of me now.

A cause bigger than herself. What do you mean with that I asked my core. You know, other people call it success and status. They define it through the high salary they earn, through the projects of millions of whatever currency they manage, through the houses and expensive cars they own, through the thousands of miles they fly, through the fancy diners and clubs they attend, the designer clothes they carry. Some even define it through the titles they have at work, the number of employees they are responsible for, the number of important meetings they have been invited to. The list is endless.

She said she cares for making an impact, big or small doesn’t matter. For example, helping an underprivileged person  to gain access to resources of health and education. Help the unhealthy, the elderly, the uneducated have a better life. And I can do this using information technology because this is what I am skilled at. So, I am not dreaming of going to Africa and feeding the children by hand (though it would be nice), but I  can manage or contribute to the projects that enable this.

If I knew even only one person sleeps better, breathes better, knows more because of me, I will feel grateful and happy.  This is a cause bigger than myself, this is my success. If the rest, that is, the title and the money come as a side effect that is fine. Then it is the way it is. But I will not seek them in the first place, that is not what drives me.  

I understood her so well. So well. Then I asked her to tell me what she doesn’t want.

Security. Many of us need security. We generally define it terms of a house, an apartment, a flat to rent or ideally to own, a job where chances of getting fired are low or none, many material possessions that gives us the feeling that they belong to us and that we can afford them (so we are good). We need people around us all the time so that we do not feel alone, that we do exist. My core is a rebel. She didn’t want these things. She said I want to be free. I want to be able to live with the people I do like to live with, to work with the people I do like to work with, to contribute to a cause that I feel meaningful and do my best for it. I want to be in a place, which I would love to call home. I do not want material possessions that bind me to place because I now have them. I do not want a work that I have to go, so that I can pay for my high rent in a city I do not want to live in and to buy the things I actually do not need. They burden me. 

Perfection. This one was her secret and the one that took me the longest to understand. She didn’t want all the perfection around her. The system is perfect; everything is on time and functioning. Everybody commits to the rules so things will never fail. Perfection is everywhere, perfection is expected. Not matching up to that perfection will be punished,  it will be criticized. It will make you feel bad, because also that it is expected that you feel bad. You should feel bad. You know what, I do not want to feel bad just because I have been five minutes too late, I that I have been walking on the biker’s lane, because I was waiting in the wrong line and now as I result I created a little chaos. You can also smile at these things instead. No? Besides, you know what I already expect from myself to be perfect, and I try to do my best. I feel bad if I don’t. So, I do not need other people on top to tell me that.   

It is about the little things. A little bit more tolerance, acceptance because we are humans. We are humans. We are not perfect. Perfection the way we define it is an image, it does not exist. With all our good and bad sides, we are humans and we fail. We will fail, and we will be reborn as better people. At the little failures of ours’ and of others’ we will smile. Out of the bigger failures we will learn and grow. This is how I see the life and I want to live in an environment that sees it this way too. I know it exists, I have seen it, I have been there, it is truth. Take me there.   

Take me there. So I took her there.

In Barcelona she has the sea that she has been longing for, she can be in it, hear it, smell it, watch it. She has the sunshine everyday. She doesn’t worry about missing a rare sunny day, because the sun shines on her everyday. She has the smiling people. Daytime, nighttime, in public offices, on the streets, she has people chatting with her while waiting in the chaotic lines.

I also released her from most of her material belongings, all she has now are the two luggages and a bag. She is now as free as a bird to move around as she likes. I am now trying to find her a cause bigger than herself and I know I will. I am not the only one in this place, who thinks and feels like this and the alikes find themselves. I will find her her cause. As for the imperfection, I think that one looks good too. Although that one will take a little more time to understand.

Now my rational mind is a bit upset, because he feels inferior. But he doesn’t need to. I listened to him, too. I did not come here without prior research, without checking the grounds, the jobs, the housing, my financial situation, my family and their needs, my healthcare and all what our safe and sound minds tell us. I listened to him very carefully. Just that, this time I followed my core and I smile.

The ultimate source of happiness is not money and power, but warmheartedness. Dalai Lama

Fear of Life by Alexander Lowen

“One day I read a book and my whole life was changed”. This is what Orhan Pamuk writes in his book “The New Life”.  That is a difficult book, it cost me a lot of time and energy to understand, if I did at all…But. Recently, I read a book.  My whole life was changed. No. Just, everything fell in place…It is a book by Alexander Loewen called the “Fear of Life“. It is a book that you find searching in the category ‘Psychology’ in Amazon. It is such a coincidence how I landed on this book… I am grateful.

After having read the book many things fell in place. Even my education on English language and literature. The book discusses the Genesis, the Fall and the Greek mythology extensively.

I found this book because of tango. How could you tell…I stumbled upon a blog one day called the Tango Principles. The author was talking about a therapeutic approach called Bioenergetics and how it helped  him overcome the tensions in his body. Being the curious person am I went on reading.

The founder of this school called Bioenergetic Therapy is Alexander Loewen. He has numerous books and is the founder of the institute with the same name. I started reading him. A lot.

It is a beautiful book which wakes you up to yourself and to life, if you let it. A few years ago I may not have understood many things I read, or connect with. But now everything falls in place… Loewen’s main message is that we cannot be happy if we ignore our bodies and operate only with our minds. Yet, our cultural society and the civilization drive us to do so and reward us when we do so. We are all after success, money, titles, possessions because we equate them to happiness and security.  Are they?

If freedom is happiness, how free are we when we have all those things? He says we don’t need much to be happy, we just need to ensure that our ‘self’ is aligned with our body. Meaning listening to what comes from our heart,  core and physical body and not only or mainly from the left side of our brains.

So true. I had to think back about my life and decisions…everything I decided with my heart and ‘belly’ felt right and made me happy…All decisions resulting only from rational thinking turned out to bring me unhappiness sooner or later.

Why do we do that though? Why do we ignore our instincts and always go with the mind? Because the civilization and acculturation educates us to do so. But then, Loewen says, our bodies are so much older than our minds. They are the products of millions of years of evolution, they have been through things. Our bodies know. All we need to do is to trust them more and let go.

Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease. Hippocrates

Lollipop Moments

We have all changed someone’s life — usually without even realizing it

Yet another great TED talk; this time it is about leadership. Most enthusiastically and entertainingly delivered by Drew Dudley.

He tells us his story about changing a girl’s life entirely without even having recognized it. Just through a simple lollipop. Much later he understands that  he has been this girl’s hero ever since.
Drew’s story is that he hands out some lollipops to the prospective students at the university campus on the day of enrollment. However, this one girl is scared to death, and she thinks she is not good enough to study. She is just about to turn back and run away. At that moment Drew pops up with his lollipops, jokes around and makes her feel at home. He even manages (without any intentions) that she meets her future husband on that occasion. And then Drew goes home and forgets about everything. Until 4 years later on one day the girl finds him and tells him all about it. It is a nice little story to listen to.
What touched me, though was not Drew’s story by itself, but the questions he asked: How many of us have made a huge change in  someone’s life and don’t even know about it? How many of us do think that leadership is all about money, power and influence?  Isn’t it about making a little change that makes the difference? How many of us think leadership is something so big and huge that it is beyond our reach?  Doesn’t it start right now, right here with a small moment when you reach out to a person? Doesn’t it start with that moment when you tell a person he or she made the difference?
We have to leave behind our fears about what leadership is.
We have to get over it. Each one of us have made an impact in someone’s life. We made a difference. We just haven’t realized it, because nobody told it to us. Once we have acknowledged this, Drew says, we will have the power to make the world a better place: a place of lollipop moments.So why not reach out to that person, today,  and tell him or her that he has been the one who made the difference in your lives?